I used to really enjoy a good cry. Sobs of sadness in the shower, droplets of despair under the doona or teardrops on the dance floor. I’d take to my bed and really wallow in it, roll myself up with it. Now I’ve realised, I’ve become too quick at the reframe, I’m the Flip Queen. When I feel the hot pinpricking of tears behind my eyes, I’m stopping them in their tracks with a gear change or a distraction. I’m not sad, angry or upset. I’m grateful, smiley and too busy walking to wallow.
Unexpressed feelings that get repressed can lie dormant for a while but will eventually explode passive-aggressive style when triggered by something seemingly-small in the scheme of things. Like running out of coconut milk for your tea. You didn’t cry about the conflict with a colleague but a lack of coco-quench is enough to send you coco-loco. What you resist persists and your feelings can either end with a one big bang or a whimper.
I’m trying to let myself feel my feelings fully. It’s not ‘bad’ to feel sad or mad but it does feel bad when you bottle up the sadness and ferment till it’s depression or supress the anger until it’s misdirected rage at innocent bystanders or…the fridge. Crying doesn’t come as naturally to me as it once did so props like emo movies are helpful. For some reason, the Beyoncé Netflix doco “Homecoming’ was particularly sob-worthy for me and I tried to let the tears roll on rather than quickly wipe them away. When I feel rage, I ‘m trying to speak it out loud. If not to the person who incited it, then in the car to myself on the way home or in a letter written to them when I get home (but probably not sent. I’m not there yet).
You need the rain so you can have the rainbows and all that jazz so I’m trying to allow myself a good wallow and delaying flicking the switch back to sunshine ASAP.
Love and light and sobs and rage xxx Yvette
Homecoming: A Film By Beyoncé | Official Trailer | Netflix